


nobody is immune to the pain of being alive

by jalpari



Series: • Yizhan AUs • [9]
Category: Actor RPF, Chinese Actor RPF, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) RPF
Genre: M/M, PLEASE READ THE NOTE AND TRIGGER WARNINGS!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:47:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29184270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jalpari/pseuds/jalpari
Summary: Nobody is immune to the pain of being alive. Neither is Wang Yibo. Nor was Xiao Zhan.All my other Yizhan stories -Yizhan diariesYizhan AUsMy Twitter -@jalpari_yizhan,@yizhanmood
Relationships: Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan | Sean
Series: • Yizhan AUs • [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1773988
Comments: 31
Kudos: 100





	nobody is immune to the pain of being alive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aaskew](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aaskew/gifts).
  * Inspired by [falling; never broken](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28983633) by [aaskew](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aaskew/pseuds/aaskew). 



> This is a remix of ['falling; never broken'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28983633) by [aaskew](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aaskew/pseuds/aaskew). Please read her fic before reading this remix! It's beautiful.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: self-harm, bulimia, depression, panic attacks, anxiety, comments of fatphobia, mentions of suicide attempt, mentions of sexual harassment, mentions of non-consensual drug use.

✤✤✤

“You made us wait too much! We’re in a rush, there’s a flight to be taken soon. Won’t you even apologize?” 

Doctor Xiao Zhan looks up from his clipboard as these words greet him in the consulting room where he had come to see his next patient. He looks at the sour looking man with dull, dark, malicious eyes.

Xiao Zhan grins, not intimidated. 

“You see, sir, we’re all equals. Everyone is important here, he’s not the only one injured,” then, he turns to the patient and asks, not subtly at all, “Does this man speak for you?” 

He recognizes the patient. He is the emerging model, Wang Yibo. 

Wang Yibo shakes his head after a few seconds of hesitation.

“Great,” Xiao Zhan smiles brightly. “So, what do we have here?” 

The rude man, who Xiao Zhan assumes is Wang Yibo’s handler or manager or something of that sort, sighs and leaves the consulting room. 

Wang Yibo doesn’t say much as Xiao Zhan examines him. Which is perfectly fine. Xiao Zhan fills the silence by talking about his hometown Chongqing, about how he owns a cat named Jianguo, about how he loves internet memes and recently bought a special edition of an album from Stephanie Sun, to complete his extended collection of her merchandise.

After he is done with the examination, Wang Yibo is taken to radiography and Xiao Zhan leaves to see other patients. Half an hour later, he heads back to check Wang Yibo’s test results and frowns when he sees them.

“You’re too thin,” Xiao Zhan says with a serious expression. “You need vitamins, and good meals. Have you had breakfast this morning?” 

“No,” Wang Yibo grimaces.

“What did you eat last night?” 

“Fruit.” 

“A fruit wouldn’t feed you well enough,” Xiao Zhan sighs, leaning closer on the table. “Listen, it’s dinnertime already. You need to eat correctly and choose better meals, okay? Don’t pretend that only a fruit could stop your hunger. It’s not enough. Tonight, I want you to eat properly.” 

“I’m on a diet,” Wang Yibo says, almost stuttering. “I have a new photoshoot coming... and I can’t get fat.” 

Xiao Zhan looks at him with compassion. 

“I understand, but you’re not thin in a healthy way, you know that. I’ll prescribe some medicines in case you feel a fever again, and you mustn't forget to drink water, you need liquids to keep you hydrated. Also...” Xiao Zhan hesitates a little, “...your fast heartbeats might be an anxiety sign, so I recommend you to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, or perhaps a psychologist, to take care of this matter.” 

As Xiao Zhan signs Wang Yibo’s discharge papers, something comes over him and he hurriedly writes a short note to Wang Yibo, tucking it safely between his reports.

> _You can call me if you ever feel anxious, or if you need a good professional to help you deal with it, let me know, so I can suggest some friends of mine. Follow the prescription, and make sure to take better care of yourself, Wang Yibo.  
>    
>  — Dr. Xiao Zhan. _

As he watches Wang Yibo leave, his smile fades because he recognizes the void in Yibo’s eyes. He understands there are bigger issues at play than just a skipped meal. He feels the pain he knows is burrowing inside Wang Yibo.

Nobody is immune to the pain of being alive. 

Neither is Wang Yibo. 

Nor was Xiao Zhan. 

✤✤✤

_(Several years ago...)_

_Xiao Zhan sits on the bathroom floor, leaning back against the locked door. He feels frayed, undone, unravelling with every breath he is taking. He can feel his skin bursting apart at the seams, as if unable to contain the anxiety within, as if his pounding heart will escape its bony cage, as if his racing thoughts will catch fire and implode his brain._

_Tears stream down his face as he tries to get a hold of himself. He wraps his arms around himself and rocks back and forth, trying to feel grounded, trying to feel something, anything but the sense of impending doom that is expanding inside him._

_He feels like he is going to die. The sense of panic will surely kill him this time. The dread that feels stronger than choking and drowning combined. This will be the day it will end him._

_He cries silently as he waits._

_But death never comes. Eventually, Xiao Zhan’s body unclenches and the storm in his mind wanes. He stands up and washes his face, gazing at himself in the mirror. There is a void in his eyes that has become familiar now. A void that seems to encroach into every corner of his spirit._

_Xiao Zhan is sure the void will never leave._

✤✤✤

Xiao Zhan wakes up to the sound of his phone ringing in the middle of the night. It’s an unknown number. 

“Hello?” Xiao Zhan answers groggily.

All he can hear is breathing.

“Hello? Someone on the line?” 

The call is cut and Xiao Zhan lays back down, confused. Xiao Zhan tries to sleep but his mind wanders to the heavy inhales and exhales that echoed on the call. He feels a sudden realization dawn on him. His gut tells him it’s Wang Yibo. Maybe he read his note after all.

Xiao Zhan sits up and turns on his lamp. He redials the number and bites his lips. 

“Wang Yibo? Is it you?” he says when the call is answered. 

“Hey”, Wang Yibo roughly greets. “It’s me. Sorry for calling you this late at night...” 

“I’m glad you did,” Xiao Zhan answers with a sweet, relieved smile, “How are you feeling?” 

“I’m good, and you?” 

Xiao Zhan can tell Wang Yibo is anything but good. He has said that answer before as well. 

‘Good.’

He knows what it means. 

“I’m also good,” the doctor sighs tiredly. “How was your day?” 

Wang Yibo tells him about his trip, his photoshoot, and the pictures the nurses sold for the press (Xiao Zhan got very frustrated about that particular matter, pointing out that he’ll reprimand the women involved). He tells him about what he ate (some fruits and a meal with rice and vegetables, nothing that could fatten him up, which makes Xiao Zhan suspicious).

Xiao Zhan knows there is more he is not telling him. But Xiao Zhan can wait.

In exchange, Xiao Zhan tells him about his day as well, about a patient who got angry at him over a medicine, about how he drank tea for lunch, too busy to even eat properly (Wang Yibo believed it was an absurd, but saying that out loud would make him look like a hypocritical, wouldn’t it?), and then about the mischiefs of a little girl that morning, who wanted to bring her puppy to stay with her inside the consulting room, which was against the rules. The doctor giggles while telling him that.

After almost an hour, Wang Yibo says he needed to sleep for a morning recording. 

“Good night,” Xiao Zhan ends the call in a low tone.

Xiao Zhan cannot sleep that night. He remembers the time when he could not sleep on any night.

✤✤✤

_Xiao Zhan lies beneath the desk, his bed haunting him too much for a comfortable night’s sleep. He lays under the desk and stares at the scratches at its underside. Scratches made unknowingly by him as he studied. Scratches made knowingly by him as he panicked. Scratches made by him._

_Xiao Zhan feels warm tears slide down his temples and accumulate in his ears. The loneliness is killing him slowly. He doesn’t know what the point of anything is. He doesn’t know why he is doing anything._

_Why bother?_

_Everything feels pointless. Everything feels pointless._

✤✤✤

Xiao Zhan is taking his rounds when he gets Wang Yibo’s next call. 

“Hey! Wang Yibo, how are you?” he answers brightly.

Wang Yibo doesn’t say anything but Xiao Zhan can hear crying. 

“What happened?” Xiao Zhan worries immediately. 

Wang Yibo just keeps crying and Xiao Zhan knows. Xiao Zhan knows this tipping point.

“Calm down, okay? Breathe slowly, please, do as I say,” Xiao Zhan speaks gently.

Xiao Zhan makes him breath, and breath, and breath; makes him remember he’s alive, he’s human, that he’s real; he can be calm again, he can try again, he can be patient, he can be alive. 

Wang Yibo doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to. Xiao Zhan knows.

✤✤✤

_Xiao Zhan stands in front of the bathroom mirror, shaking. The blade is in his hand. The pain is too much. The blade is now on his thigh. The pain reduces a little._

✤✤✤

When Wang Yibo calls him the next time, Xiao Zhan answers immediately.

“Hey, Wang Yibo. Everything’s fine? Do you feel better?” he asks soothingly.

“Mn.” 

“You sure?” Xiao Zhan questions, while a buzzing starts in the background. “Wait one sec, Wang Yibo,” Xiao Zhan answers the pager call. “No, I only gave him serum, no medicine, he’ll stay here for the day...” Some seconds pass, and then Xiao Zhan is back with an energetic voice, “Sorry! Hectic day!” 

“I can call you later, when you’re free, there’s no problem,” Wang Yibo says.

“No, no! Don’t hang up! I’ll always have time for you,” Xiao Zhan’s cheeks turn pink. “Uhh...it’s actually my dinner time, but you know, there’s new co-workers here, so I have to keep an eye on their doubts and everything”, Xiao Zhan lets out a nervous laugh. “I told you about the new boy, right? Yu Bin?” he continues, “He’ll stay for his first night shift. I’ll have to help him here, but it’s not a tough job, so you better know that I’ll pick up all your calls if you ever need something. Don’t be shy to talk to me.” 

“Alright... thank you.” Wang Yibo answers simply and Xiao Zhan smiles in relief.

“Then? Anything special happened today?” 

“I was fired.” 

Xiao Zhan stays silent for a minute and then is incredibly infuriated.

“What?! They can’t do that! You’re such a good artist, it's absurd!” 

“I’m a complicated person, I guess,” Wang Yibo is fast, “I troubled them too much. It’s fine.” 

Xiao Zhan stays silent again, for more than a minute this time around. The silence says much. Afterwards, he sighs, and asks, “What are you going to do now?” 

“I don’t know,” Wang Yibo confesses. 

“What do you want to do?” 

“I don’t know,” he says again, then adds, some seconds later, “but... I don’t want to go back to the start.” 

“Why?” Xiao Zhan asks, intrigued.

“I don’t know. I don’t like who I am now, and I also don’t like who I was, I just... I don’t want to lose myself more, not any longer. Is it... is it understandable?” 

“Yes, Yibo, it is,” Xiao Zhan smiles knowingly. “Well then, you have to discover where you want to head. You don’t need to go back to who you were. You also don’t need to keep being the person you are now. Do you want a change?” 

“Yes...I want a change.” 

“Good,” Xiao Zhan is most definitely grinning. “This is a great new start, you know.”

✤✤✤

_Xiao Zhan is spiralling again. This is how it’s going to be now on. Spiral after spiral._

_Xiao Zhan doesn’t care anymore. He finds himself crying alone in the car more times than he is proud to admit. He finds himself crying in bed alone more times than he is proud to admit._

_He is fighting. Something. Somehow._

_Sometimes you just have to go weeping and wailing into the night, hoping the rage of your fear will scare away the beasts that are waiting._

✤✤✤

The next day, Xiao Zhan visits Yibo. They drink tea, sitting on the kitchen's chairs and Xiao Zhan is surprised at how comfortable he feels already.

“You’re way shyer than I imagined,” Xiao Zhan smiles, holding the tea-cup in his hands. “And your house is so cozy. Thank you for receiving me.” 

“Thank you for coming.”

Xiao Zhan smiles sweetly. “I’m at your service.” 

After a few minutes, Yibo finally feels safe enough to tell him about what he intends to do, about having called a friend in the industry to ask for help; he soon talks about his connection with his mother, and the fear. He talks about his insecurity, about the shame of not knowing how to do anything else, of having worked so long in the media that he doesn't possess any more useful skills beyond modeling. 

And Xiao Zhan listens calmly, without judging, just making conjectures here and there. There are no second intentions in his smile, only fondness; there is no rudeness in his words, only sincerity. 

There is no pity in his eyes, only empathy.

✤✤✤

_They’re staring. Xiao Zhan can feel it. They’re whispering. Xiao Zhan can feel it._

_He’s changed. They’re saying. He’s different. They’re saying._

_Ever since he left Chongqing to follow his dreams to become a doctor, something changed. Something erupted inside him._

_Now, everytime he is back home, he can see the reflection of his edges in their eyes. And it hurts._

✤✤✤

On the weekend, Xiao Zhan takes Yibo for a walk in the park, when he’s finally off duty. Xiao Zhan says that nature can sometimes cure more than a medicala remedy, and they sit near a huge tree with a direct view of a lake, where ducks are floating around, in peace. 

Their camaraderie is instant. They chat, laugh, bicker, banter, playfight, run after each other like two children afraid to grow up. 

When the sun says goodbye, Xiao Zhan takes him home, passing by the poorly lit path, and delivers him a small paper with the date and address of his first appointment with a psychiatrist. 

“Will you... can you accompany me?”, Yibo whispers slowly, when they’re at the door of his apartment, “I mean, I know you’re busy, I’m sorry if—” 

“Of course,” Xiao Zhan interrupts, smiling. “Of course, I will accompany you.” 

✤✤✤

_Xiao Zhan sits alone in the park. He needed to get out. He needed to get away. He sits alone and stares at the lake and the ducks and the trees._

_Nature heals, they say. Xiao Zhan wants to heal._

✤✤✤

When Yibo figures out the next steps in his career with Du Hua and Yuehua, Xiao Zhan is thrilled to know about that. 

“Congratulations! I’m glad you sorted this out.” Xiao Zhan beams proudly.

“I know, right?” he can hear the smile in Yibo’s voice on the phone. “I also can’t believe it.” 

Xiao Zhan lets a little proud laugh escape, then the two talk about how the day was at the hospital, about the new nurse Meng Ziyi — funny girl, she knew how to take care of an eleven-year-old boy who broke his leg very well —, about Yu Bin — he had lost his stethoscope that morning, but found it fallen under a stretcher —, and himself at last — he had eaten a hamburger that lunch, although his colleagues keep saying he must take better care of his health, to which Yibo agrees. 

They talk until the doctor needs to say goodbye and get back to work. Xiao Zhan feels lighter after talking to Yibo and smiles brightly through the rest of his day. 

✤✤✤

_Xiao Zhan does it again._

_He is sitting at the terrace top, looking down, imagining what it would feel like to fall._

_When he spirals this time, it’s too much pain._

_He is back in his bathroom. Blade at his wrist this time. The pain becomes bearable once more._

✤✤✤

The day to see the psychiatrist arrives. 

Xiao Zhan stays with Yibo in the waiting room, quietly, reading a magazine, sometimes showing something, or commenting on a subject he found particularly interesting; when Yibo shifts back and forth, messing with his legs or hands unconsciously, the doctor asks him to put his hand on his shoulders, making circular movements to calm him down. It's somewhat awkward at first, nevertheless, the effect happens very fast, and Yibo visibly relaxes. 

After twenty minutes, his name is called. “Wang Yibo, you may enter.” 

And then YIbo’s legs stop. He becomes absolutely still. Frozen.

Xiao Zhan notices, then asks, “Do you want me to come in with you?” 

“Yes, please,” comes the meek reply.

So, it’s time. The two of them enter the doctor's office. With a pleasant smile, she greets Xiao Zhan first, then Yibo.

“How can I help you?” she asks Yibo, hands closed on the table. 

The room is silent for about thirty seconds, until Yibo hesitantly begins to talk about how he can't eat much without feeling like vomiting, without wanting to hide somewhere, disappear forever. After a few minutes, though, he leaves the room, extremely suffocated, and sits on the emergency staircase, to calm down. 

Xiao Zhan arrives to stay with him. The two remain quiet, just waiting for Yibo's heart and mind to feel safe enough to continue. Neither of them says anything when he gets up to enter the consulting room again. The doctor, Li Qin, understands the situation. 

Soon, they leave the clinic. They get into Xiao Zhan's car, who starts to drive to the pharmacy. Along the way, Yibo holds his hand, and is afraid to let go. 

Xiao Zhan holds onto Yibo’s hand tightly. It’s cold. It’s sweaty. It’s necessary.

But he knows. 

✤✤✤

_Xiao Zhan needs help._

_This can’t go on anymore._

_With trembling bloody hands, Xiao Zhan dials a number, wishing there was someone there to hold him in that moment._

✤✤✤

Xiao Zhan takes Yibo to dinner that night, in a lovely Japanese restaurant. 

“You know, Wang Yibo, you’ve achieved so much until now, you just can’t see it. You’ve gone so far, and clearly passed through so much. Giving it all up like that... wouldn’t it be a waste, to let this all go? To make all this suffering to be in vain? Valorize yourself more. You deserve the very best. Don’t forget that.” 

Xiao Zhan smiles as Yibo’s face lights up. 

Dinner is fun and after that, Xiao Zhan accompanies him back to his apartment; it’s not so far.

“You can stay... if you want to. It’s late.” Yibo says, cheeks pink.

Xiao Zhan feels a warmth inside him. He feels something new blossom inside him.

And Xiao Zhan stays. Xiao Zhan takes a shower in his bathroom, and wears his shirt. He stays. 

Xiao Zhan sleeps well that night. He wakes up with a smile on his face as he sees a peacefully sleeping Yibo beside him. He has to rush to work, so he leaves. But he leaves a text message letting Yibo know.

Whatever this is, it is nice. Xiao Zhan wants to keep it. 

✤✤✤

_Xiao Zhan drives through the thunderstorm and makes his way to the therapist’s office. He isn’t ready. He can’t go through with this. He takes a U-turn and heads back home, and hides._

✤✤✤

During the week, Xiao Zhan calls him, questioning about his work — usually they go out on the weekends, when they have time off. 

Yibo no longer vomits as before. The medication the psychiatrist prescribed is really effective, even though he still has to make a first appointment with a therapist, as she said. Xiao Zhan said he’ll take care of it, since he knew several doctors in the field. 

“Don’t worry,” Xiao Zhan says, one morning when they were walking around the lake. “If you want me to go with you this time as well, I will.” 

“You’re helping me too much,...I mean, sorry, I am very, very thankful for your help. I appreciate it a lot, you know. I don’t want to bother you though, so... yeah, you don’t have to do this.” 

Xiao Zhan turns to him, smiling. “But I want to”, and they keep walking. 

The sun was high in the sky, there were birds flying and kids playing in the grass.

“After all... why are you helping me?” 

_Because I know what it’s like. And I had to help myself._

But the doctor doesn’t answer: he’s watching the water with glittery eyes, extremely focused. Yibo joins him, putting a hand on his shoulder, making circles with his fingers, and hoping with all he got that Xiao Zhan could feel the warmth he’s trying to provide. 

✤✤✤

_Xiao Zhan fidgets with the hem of his shirt as he sits at the therapist’s office. He wants to run away. He wants to hide. He wants to disappear. He wants to give up._

_He doesn’t._

✤✤✤

At the end of the month, Xiao Zhan visits again, preparing dinner for both. 

Then, again, Xiao Zhan stays. 

(And when he has a nightmare that night, Xiao Zhan sings . He sings so beautifully, so much like his dream, that Yibo cries.) 

The morning after, Xiao Zhan is still there, at his kitchen, making breakfast, like he owns the place — like he belongs there, with him. Eventually, between a cup of coffee and toast, Yibo tells him about the song, about what he dreamed, about the producers and the settled date for the recording. 

“Yibo,” Xiao Zhan starts, leaning on his arms, “I am so proud. You’ll do great”, he smiles. 

Nothing could ever surpass the beauty of that moment, nor the feeling he was holding within his heart, which makes him smile genuinely. That’s when Yibo hugs him, resting his hand on Xiao Zhan’s chest, and the doctor doesn’t even flinch, embracing him in return. 

Xiao Zhan holds Yibo close, hoping he can feel his heart racing too.

✤✤✤

_Xiao Zhan has a word for it now. Bipolar. There is a reason now. It’s not his fault._

_Now he knows._

_Now he knows what it is. Now he can do something about it._

_Xiao Zhan feels like the world is the right side up once more._

✤✤✤

Xiao Zhan gets happy seeing all the progress Yibo is making, then spends the night at his house, watching a random new movie from Disney (the doctor absolutely loves animations). 

Yibo feels renewed, feels like it’s easy to breathe — he even hugs Xiao Zhan again, from side to side, and he even lets him play with his hands in the middle. 

That’s when he also discovers, while he caresses his wrists, that Xiao Zhan has scars. 

Yibo grazes them softly with his fingers and looks at Xiao Zhan, who is looking back at him with smiling eyes.

Nobody is immune to the pain of being alive, after all, even if it doesn't seem so. 

Xiao Zhan tells him everything.

✤✤✤

_Xiao Zhan wakes up; today feels empty._

_Xiao Zhan wakes up; today feels lonely._

_Xiao Zhan wakes; today feels scary._

_Every day, a new struggle._

_But Xiao Zhan wakes up everyday. That is what is important._

_Xiao Zhan takes his medicines everyday. That is what is important._

_Xiao Zhan goes to therapy every week. That is what is important._

_The rest will follow._

✤✤✤

The appointment for Yibo’s first therapy session comes, and Yibo is visibly in distress. Xiao Zhan accompanies him until the clinic, waits for him, misses a day at work for him. Xiao Zhan sits in the waiting area and barely a few minutes have passed when-

“Yibo?” Xiao Zhan asks, when Yibo leaves the consulting room, crosses the waiting chairs, then walks down the hall. Yibo doesn't hear him, and desperately moves his hand away when the doctor tries to touch him. “Yibo? Is everything okay?” 

Wang Yibo runs.

Xiao Zhan is left in the clinic, bewildered. He chases after Yibo but he is gone. He tries calling him all night but his phone is turned off. Xiao Zhan rushes to his house and waits outside for Yibo. Xiao Zhan can wait.

The next morning, Yibo opens the door. Xiao Zhan is there, in the corridor of his building, sitting on the floor, sleeping with his phone in his hands. 

“Xiao Zhan”, Yibo calls, almost crying again. “Xiao Zhan,” he calls once again when he doesn’t wake up, touching his forehead. 

Xiao Zhan, just then, opens his eyes. “Yibo,” his voice is a bit hoarse. “Can I come in?” 

“Mn,” Wang Yibo whispers, feeling a small tear drop. “I’m sorry,” he hugs him, and both are now sitting on the corridor’s floor. “I’m sorry,” he says, because once is not enough. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

Now he’s a mess of tears and words. Xiao Zhan, even so, is smiling while embracing him, he can feel through his hair. “It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.” 

They’re crying together after some minutes, embracing each other, on the ground, no one around; they’re there, alive, breathing, hearts beating fast, and it’s real . 

Finally, Wang Yibo lets him in. 

(Wang Yibo sleeps with Xiao Zhan’s hands in his. 

He doesn’t dream; that night, he doesn’t need to.) 

✤✤✤

_Xiao Zhan wakes up from a dream. His first good dream in months. His thoughts meander through the shiny corridors of this new experience as he smiles and tries to fall back to sleep._

✤✤✤

Xiao Zhan celebrates Yibo getting both the role on the new Chinese drama and to work on Day Day Up with a glass of wine. “Cheers for you, Wang Yibo,” he says, grinning, “And your new beginning.” 

“Cheers,” Yibo smiles as well, a bit melancholic. 

Some days later, he makes another appointment with the therapist; he will try again, he tells Xiao Zhan, and Xiao Zhan hugs him with a proud expression.

✤✤✤

_It’s happening again. Xiao Zhan has to resist. Xiao Zhan will resist._

_He hides in his room inside the dark closet. Away from the crowd. Away from the noise. Away from the blade. Away from temptation._

_He hides and cries and claws at himself until it passes._

_It passes._

_That’s what he needs to keep reminding himself. It will always pass._

✤✤✤

Wang Yibo asks Xiao Zhan to enter the consulting room as well. He tells him and the therapist everything. He tells them about his first year in the industry, when he turned eighteen, in that agency that wasn't very popular, but that accepted him quickly, because the CEO, Hang-Ti, liked him. 

He tells them about his first celebration party, in which his boss took him to the corner, telling him to take a sip of his drink, because it contained alcohol and, even if Wang Yibo was still young, he already had a mature body, a very different face from the others of his age, that he danced so well, and he could trust him. Hang-Ti put the glass in his hand, adding pressure for him to take it. 

Wang Yibo thinks he will always feel that it was his fault, for having accepted the drink. After one sip, his throat started burning, and he got dizzy within five minutes. 

During that state of numbness, he doesn't remember how they got out of the party, however, when he started to regain his consciousness, when he finally felt a little more sober, his boss was already throwing him on the bed, touching his body. His cold hands were everywhere; first it passed by his legs, his thighs, until it reached the lower part of his back and front, while Yibo wanted to scream, scream, run as fast as possible; yet, he couldn't . For over half an hour, Hang-Ti kept sliding his hand over his body, molesting him, touching him in parts he didn't want to be touched, while Wang Yibo felt like vomiting, muttering several times a “no” in weak tone; he had no strength at all, so the words came out choking — only ghosts could listen. 

Wang Yibo tells them about the disgust, the shame, the fear, the despair, the pounding will to die; he tells them that sometimes he feels his touch while bathing, and in those moments, dirt is all around him, it’s inescapable. In those moments, when he sees Hang-Ti's smile hidden in the darkness of his room, Wang Yibo wishes to disappear, or throw himself out of the window, run far away, to where those hands couldn’t reach him. 

More than four years had passed — almost five years, in fact. Even so, he thinks, not even ten years could erase the injuries Hang-Ti did to him. 

Wang Yibo then tells them that after some point, he felt strength again, and strongly pushed Hang-Ti away. The man, infuriated, hit him on the face several times; tried to attack him once again. Not knowing what to do, at that time, he pushed his boss, who fell on the glass table of the hotel room where he had been taken, and then, blood covered the floor. 

Hang-Ti started screaming about how useless and stupid he was, until, finally, an employee wanted to know what had happened. They knocked on the door, that opened soon after, and Wang Yibo ran as fast as he could in that state. The next day, he was fired — he didn’t see Hang-Ti again. 

How could he had defended himself? What would he have said? His family would believe he had asked for it, dancing like he did — hell, nobody in that damn industry would believe his word, especially because Hang-Ti was rich, owned a company, while Wang Yibo was just a beginner, who had no voice. 

That's why he kept it. It was because of the shame, because of the fear; Wang Yibo kept all that, and it was because he kept it that those scenes keep repeating themselves in his head, every day, and that's why he has nightmares, that’s why he sees shadows of a smile following him. It's not an easy thing to forget. 

Finally, Wang Yibo tells everything. FInally, he feels a wave of relief taking control of his chest.

Xiao Zhan drives, and Xiao Zhan is silent, and they don’t talk the entire way back to the apartment. Was it wrong of him? Should he have waited? Would the doctor leave him now? His hands shake, his heart threatens to escape; Wang Yibo doesn’t know what to say. 

When he’s inside the apartment, however, he can see the doctor’s eyes: they’re wet, with tears almost dropping. “Yibo... thank you for telling us that. You are such a strong person.” 

His mouth is dry. “I’m not,” he denies. 

“You are,” Xiao Zhan affirms. “Can I... will you let me hug you?” 

He had never asked before; the answer is clear. Wang Yibo hugs him, firmly, and he never wants to forget Yibo’s smell; he never wants to leave his embrace, he never wants to forget his smile, or his warmth. 

Xiao Zhan never wants to leave him again. 

✤✤✤

_Xiao Zhan holds the little cupcake in front of him and blows the candle out alone in his room. He is not ready to face his family yet. But one day he will be. Until then, he has found comfort in being alone. He has found happiness in small pockets of his life. He thanks the universe for being alive and healthy and celebrates his birthday with a singular smile that burns as bright as the small candle._

_One day, he will smile brighter. One day, he will be the candle for someone else._

✤✤✤

Da-ge, Han-ge, Feng-ge and Zhan-ge are continually taking care of him. They all unite one evening, to celebrate Wang Yibo's birthday with a blue cake full of candles. At night, the stars seem to shine especially for them. The next morning, he and Xiao Zhan are having coffee together; the sunlight enters through the curtain and touches the doctor's forehead. 

“How do you feel, now that you’ve turned 23? Any change?” he jokes, smiling beautifully. 

Wang Yibo gets up from his chair calmly, without fear, without hesitation. He approaches slowly, until, at last, he’s leaning in, and Xiao Zhan is also leaning in, and their lips are touching clumsily. 

It’s different. It’s inexperienced, yet sweet. Wang Yibo smiles and holds him by the neck, to kiss him properly — Xiao Zhan puts his warm hands on his waist, snuggling. And the two belong there, in that giant, brilliant world; real, safe, alive . 

It's a great new beginning. 

✤✤✤

_Xiao Zhan graduates and moves to a new place to start his residency at a hospital. It’s a bit exhausting to have to find a new therapist and psychiatrist all over again but this time, he knows what he is doing. This time, he knows it will help. This time, his hands are not bloody. This time, the void in his eyes has long been gone._

_Xiao Zhan makes friends this time. Xiao Zhan opens up to them this time. Xiao Zhan loves his job. Xiao Zhan’s dreams are coming true._

_There are still difficult days but he knows they will always pass._

✤✤✤

There are things coming nonstop. The lawsuit, new songs, his first role, recordings, rehearsals — Wang Yibo finds joy in skateboarding again, and can even think about entering the world of motorcycling; hobbies to keep him distracted. After all, there are so many options, so many paths, so many things to enjoy. 

The next weekend following his birthday, Xiao Zhan takes him to the park again. There’s the sound of birds, kids playing, ducks, wind, trees, steps, people, bicycles — there’s the sound of his heart, louder than any of that. 

Wang Yibo holds doctor Xiao’s hands. They’re always warm, somehow. Xiao Zhan smiles at him earnestly, and he thinks that he’s still struggling to overcome a lot about the past, but it’s fine, because Xiao Zhan is holding his hand, and he will wait for him. 

They will wait for one another. 

✤✤✤


End file.
